Starting Over

I sit here in an empty shell. Today we signed the papers to close on the house. It's no longer mine. Most of the furniture is gone having been moved to the apartment, hence the empty shell. This is one more reminder of the fact that nearly all I have in my life is gone. I've lost my marriage, job, and home. The only thing I really have right now are my parents and my sister.

I have to start over. I have a job now but it's not really what I want to do, but I am looking. Marriage? I'm not sure if I really believe in marriage anymore. It just seems our culture has adopted the attitude that if you want out of something just quit. I'm not saying that I won't become involved with someone again but I'm not sure if I'll invest to the point of marriage. As for the home... eh that's really the smallest part of the loss. There's plenty of homes out there and I'll have one again someday.

Honestly, it's not really the house, or the job or even my failed marriage that bums me out the most. It's the fact that by having start over I have to wait that much longer to be able to start a family.

Vacation's over, can I have another PLEASE

Well I'm back home from Thanksgiving and it was a very nice vacation. I really wanted to get away from Memphis and all that's been going on here for awhile. It was nice to be home, to be with my parents and my sister who will always be there for me, especially when others haven't been. I really didn't want to leave home, especially considering what I have to come back to.

This week we will be moving. I have not, am not, and likely will not look forward to this move. I've been seriously debating whether I even will want to stay there for very long. I guess I'll have to considering our financial situation, but as soon as I have a good idea of how that's going and if plausible I will likely move out on my own. I simply just don't want to be around those who have caused me so much pain and seem to show no regret in doing so. How can one say they're sorry for what they've done when they don't show the emotion of remorse.

There are a couple of good things I have to look forward to this week. I am likely going to hang out with a friend this weekend and I am looking forward to that. It does help me to get through this week that I do have something to look forward to. I also am looking forward to the MU vs. Oklahoma Big 12 title game. GO MU!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so hard.

I lay here in the spare bedroom looking at this screen thinking what I should write about. I actually shouldn't be writing this because it's past my bed time and I have a lot of driving to do tomorrow in what could be sub-optimal weather. Yet, I can't really sleep because my mind is still thinking. Still thinking of what happened to us and why it is this way.

I'm not happy about it. Hell, I'm completely miserable and depressed about it. I don't want it to be this way but we can't agree on how things should be. You want to be best friends, but I ask you, can we? Can we be best friends when we've spent the last five years together supporting each other like couples do? No. The answer is no. I'm always going to see you as my wife. I love you terribly. More than anything else in the whole world, and it hurts so much to have to shut myself off from you because I feel the need to protect myself from the pain this is causing me. It's so fucking hard to do this though. I oscillate between being pissed to the point of just walking out and never coming back one minute to wanting to grab you, hold you close and tell you how much I love you the next.

Before I wrote this I walked into your room to get my good pillow to sleep on tonight. I looked at you and all I wanted to do was give you a kiss goodnight. I didn't though. I knew that if I did I'd just decide to sleep in the same bed so I could be close to you, and if I'm going to keep from getting hurt I knew I couldn't allow myself to do it. It was hard not to. I'm not going to see you for nearly five days, and I'm not even sure if I should be glad for the reprieve or sad that this is what we actually want to do.

Should we even be together anymore? I find myself asking that question a lot these days, and I find myself thinking "probably not." I've been seriously contemplating the idea of a divorce once we settle our debts. It's odd though. Even though that's what I'm thinking I still hope that in that time we'll work this out and that I can be with you always.

O-ren is trying to comfort me since I'm currently crying. I haven't been able to do that until now. I've wanted to. To let out some of the pain that's inside of me. Maybe I should've written this earlier, but if I had it probably would've been the bitter anger that's been at the surface instead of the hurt. I wonder what's going through your head as you read this? Will you say anything to me? Will you show some kind of emotion?

This is so hard. It's so hard to love you like I do yet pull away. Why is it so hard?

Never liked moving

I've never really liked moving. Some times have been more tolerable than others. The only two times that I've ever really tolerated moving was when I relocated to Memphis and when I moved into the house which I will soon be moving out of. This move coming up is, without a doubt, my least favorite move I'll have to do. I'm having to leave a house that I never really wanted to leave. Even though I know it's for the best because that way there won't be that huge financial burden I like this house, the neighborhood and my neighbors. I'm moving to an area that i don't really want to move to, but it was never up to me to decide where to move to. As the move gets closer I get more and more depressed thinking about it. I just want out of my situation.

To What End?

To What End? That's the question I find me asking myself lately. Either that or "what's the point?" I find myself bitter and angry most of the time yet I can't seem to stay that way for very long. Maybe I keep hoping it'll work out, but to what end? Some of this anger is not all your fault. Well it is, but the level of it is due to my keeping it inside for a long time and now there's no reason to hold it in anymore. Maybe it'll help you to know exactly how I feel. I'm not holding back anymore. I'll let you know exactly what's on my mind and what I'm feeling.

Is this the end? Maybe. That all depends on you. Until you figure out where you're going I'm not trying anymore because "what's the point?"