It's so hard.

I lay here in the spare bedroom looking at this screen thinking what I should write about. I actually shouldn't be writing this because it's past my bed time and I have a lot of driving to do tomorrow in what could be sub-optimal weather. Yet, I can't really sleep because my mind is still thinking. Still thinking of what happened to us and why it is this way.

I'm not happy about it. Hell, I'm completely miserable and depressed about it. I don't want it to be this way but we can't agree on how things should be. You want to be best friends, but I ask you, can we? Can we be best friends when we've spent the last five years together supporting each other like couples do? No. The answer is no. I'm always going to see you as my wife. I love you terribly. More than anything else in the whole world, and it hurts so much to have to shut myself off from you because I feel the need to protect myself from the pain this is causing me. It's so fucking hard to do this though. I oscillate between being pissed to the point of just walking out and never coming back one minute to wanting to grab you, hold you close and tell you how much I love you the next.

Before I wrote this I walked into your room to get my good pillow to sleep on tonight. I looked at you and all I wanted to do was give you a kiss goodnight. I didn't though. I knew that if I did I'd just decide to sleep in the same bed so I could be close to you, and if I'm going to keep from getting hurt I knew I couldn't allow myself to do it. It was hard not to. I'm not going to see you for nearly five days, and I'm not even sure if I should be glad for the reprieve or sad that this is what we actually want to do.

Should we even be together anymore? I find myself asking that question a lot these days, and I find myself thinking "probably not." I've been seriously contemplating the idea of a divorce once we settle our debts. It's odd though. Even though that's what I'm thinking I still hope that in that time we'll work this out and that I can be with you always.

O-ren is trying to comfort me since I'm currently crying. I haven't been able to do that until now. I've wanted to. To let out some of the pain that's inside of me. Maybe I should've written this earlier, but if I had it probably would've been the bitter anger that's been at the surface instead of the hurt. I wonder what's going through your head as you read this? Will you say anything to me? Will you show some kind of emotion?

This is so hard. It's so hard to love you like I do yet pull away. Why is it so hard?