The speed of change

It's amazing how fast things can change. Seven months ago I was in a secure job that paid very well, a good marriage, lived in a nice quaint suburb and was considering whether it was time to start having children, and now.... Now all I have is a secure job that doesn't pay what I had become used to making. That's life and you have to take the good with the bad. I've learned from all of this that change can come at you fast. Very fast at times.

The change that seems to surprise me the most is the change between us.... No, that's not correct. Not between us, but more in just myself. Two months ago I still believed that we would stay together and live our lives together "till death do us part." One month ago I hoped that we would stay together. Now I accept the fact that we will not stay together and that we must go our own paths. I never thought that I'd want to really be living away from you when you first suggested that idea, but now it seems that I can't get out fast enough.

I've been asked a few times now that if you changed your mind about all of this, not that I think you ever will, if I would take you back, and I find myself answering "probably not." If you changed your mind we'd have to start all over from scratch, but there are certain things that have been said about how and why we've reached this point that I just don't think we'd ever get past.

I miss us, but I try not to think about it to much. Still, there are times where I roll over and miss you being there, but I have to move on, and I'm doing just that. Just a few more steps and I'll be there. Just a few more changes.

No place like home

Well I'm here at home. It's a quarter till midnight and I'm still up. I'm talking to a few friends online and just enjoying myself since I'm home. Home right now is my place where I can go to get away from my troubles. A place where I feel welcome.

It was long ass drive to get here though. As soon as I got off of work I hit the road. E was with me since we would've been going the same way and there's no since in wasting the gas. I probably should've let her drive some since I had been up all night. Heck, I don't even have a good reason for not letting her other than I prefer to drive. So after about 24 hours I dropped her off at her sisters. While it was probably a good idea for me to stay there for an hour or so to get a quick power nap before I drove the remaining 1.5 hours to my house I just couldn't. To awkward. Especially since I was practically begged to stay for awhile since they missed me. It's hard to be around people who are no longer a part of my family when they still see me as such. I'm gonna miss them.

This will likely be the last time E and I make the trip to Missouri together. Oh well, there's already a lot of things we no longer do together and I might as well get used to that. I know she still wants to be friends and hang out but I just don't see how she thinks that's going to happen. How can I be just friends with someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with?

Anyway, enough dwelling about that. It's good to be home. To bad it's not going to last longer.

Upbeat for once.

It's been along time since I felt this upbeat. What's changed? Not the things I'd like to see change necessarily, but I'm finding that while not having made many friends here in Memphis the two years I've been here, it's not that hard to do so. I'm actually beginning to build myself a nice comfy circle of friends. Who knows how long I'll actually get to know these people since I am still looking for another Embryologist job that will take me out of this city. Oh well, live in the moment right?

Another reason that I'm upbeat is that I'm heading home in about 5-6 hours. I miss my family and am greatly looking forward to being with them over the holidays. It's nice to be around those who love you as you love them.

Finally, I'm upbeat because I'm starting to accept the inevitable. I had somewhat of a realization that what once was will likely never go back to being that way. While this is sad in itself, realizing what is truly lost to me and accepting it allows me to begin to move on. I no longer have to fret and feel depressed because i can't change the thing I wish I could change the most. Kind of odd how something as depressing as that sounds can actually cause me to be upbeat. I'm odd I know.

Well time to go see if there's another sample for me to do so I can make this night go by faster and head home that much sooner.

Things done in anger.

Things done in anger are never good. I myself have recently committed such an act. As most of you who read this blog know, I posted a very angry and profane post that was obviously directed at my wife. I was angry, extremely hurt, and probably a little vengeful. Regardless of all of those emotions I was wrong to post like I did. No matter how much anger and hurt I felt I should not have drug my personal affairs out into the open for all to see. I was very surprised that "all" was quite a few more people than I thought.

To any and all I apologize for that post. It was wrong, and if any were offended in anyway I apologize for it. I will try to not let such a thing happen again, and if I do then please someone just smack me upside the head and tell me what a moron I can be.

Thanks Dad.

This post is for you Dad. I don't think I said thanks for the advice before we hung up and I should've. You, mom and Lydia have always been there for me when I needed you. You've been there for me in a way that's always been good for me. You tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. That has always helped me make, what I feel, is the right decision. I know that it might seem like I'm brushing off your advice or that I'm not really listening to you, but I am. I always take what you say to heart and think about it because I know that just like you said, you've "been there before."

I'm really looking forward to coming home and being with all of you. It'll be nice to be somewhere that I can actually be comfortable, that I can actually feel welcome, that I can actually call home. It'll be nice to be around people who actually want me to be there.

Thank you.

Moved, but not really.

Well we finally finished moving yesterday. It took four trips spread over the weekend with a truck and 5'x8' trailer attached to get all of the stuff out of the house, not including all the large heavy stuff that was moved Wednesday night. I found myself asking, likely what all movers ask themselves, "how did we end up with so much crap?" We were able to get it all stuffed into the apartment which is roughly 1000 sq. feet smaller than the house. Now comes the tedious tasks of unpacking, sorting, deciding what stays, what goes into storage and what simply goes. It's like basically living in a storage unit right now. I'm figuring it'll take a month to figure it all out.

I'm not really comfortable here, but I haven't really given it a chance yet. It's truly not that bad. I am only ten minutes from work. I don't know if I should get comfortable here though. I mean this is just temporary for me whether I stay in Tennessee or move out of state.

I don't really think I could get comfortable here even if I tried though. I found out inadvertently today that she resents me for being here and truly wants me out so she can have it all to herself. Can't say I blame her. It's not like I've been the best of room mates lately, but it hurts to know she feels that way. To know that she truly wants me to be away from her like that. I actually was beginning to have hope that we might end up staying together to. There were a few moments, when I'd come out of my grumpy loading mood, that we actually had fun while doing this. I realize now that I was only fooling myself. How easy it was to fall right back into that comfort zone.

Hopefully, I won't have to stay here to much longer. I hate being anywhere that I'm considered an inconvenience, a burden or just unwanted. I'll try to make the next couple of months easier for you.