The speed of change

It's amazing how fast things can change. Seven months ago I was in a secure job that paid very well, a good marriage, lived in a nice quaint suburb and was considering whether it was time to start having children, and now.... Now all I have is a secure job that doesn't pay what I had become used to making. That's life and you have to take the good with the bad. I've learned from all of this that change can come at you fast. Very fast at times.

The change that seems to surprise me the most is the change between us.... No, that's not correct. Not between us, but more in just myself. Two months ago I still believed that we would stay together and live our lives together "till death do us part." One month ago I hoped that we would stay together. Now I accept the fact that we will not stay together and that we must go our own paths. I never thought that I'd want to really be living away from you when you first suggested that idea, but now it seems that I can't get out fast enough.

I've been asked a few times now that if you changed your mind about all of this, not that I think you ever will, if I would take you back, and I find myself answering "probably not." If you changed your mind we'd have to start all over from scratch, but there are certain things that have been said about how and why we've reached this point that I just don't think we'd ever get past.

I miss us, but I try not to think about it to much. Still, there are times where I roll over and miss you being there, but I have to move on, and I'm doing just that. Just a few more steps and I'll be there. Just a few more changes.

No place like home

Well I'm here at home. It's a quarter till midnight and I'm still up. I'm talking to a few friends online and just enjoying myself since I'm home. Home right now is my place where I can go to get away from my troubles. A place where I feel welcome.

It was long ass drive to get here though. As soon as I got off of work I hit the road. E was with me since we would've been going the same way and there's no since in wasting the gas. I probably should've let her drive some since I had been up all night. Heck, I don't even have a good reason for not letting her other than I prefer to drive. So after about 24 hours I dropped her off at her sisters. While it was probably a good idea for me to stay there for an hour or so to get a quick power nap before I drove the remaining 1.5 hours to my house I just couldn't. To awkward. Especially since I was practically begged to stay for awhile since they missed me. It's hard to be around people who are no longer a part of my family when they still see me as such. I'm gonna miss them.

This will likely be the last time E and I make the trip to Missouri together. Oh well, there's already a lot of things we no longer do together and I might as well get used to that. I know she still wants to be friends and hang out but I just don't see how she thinks that's going to happen. How can I be just friends with someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with?

Anyway, enough dwelling about that. It's good to be home. To bad it's not going to last longer.

Upbeat for once.

It's been along time since I felt this upbeat. What's changed? Not the things I'd like to see change necessarily, but I'm finding that while not having made many friends here in Memphis the two years I've been here, it's not that hard to do so. I'm actually beginning to build myself a nice comfy circle of friends. Who knows how long I'll actually get to know these people since I am still looking for another Embryologist job that will take me out of this city. Oh well, live in the moment right?

Another reason that I'm upbeat is that I'm heading home in about 5-6 hours. I miss my family and am greatly looking forward to being with them over the holidays. It's nice to be around those who love you as you love them.

Finally, I'm upbeat because I'm starting to accept the inevitable. I had somewhat of a realization that what once was will likely never go back to being that way. While this is sad in itself, realizing what is truly lost to me and accepting it allows me to begin to move on. I no longer have to fret and feel depressed because i can't change the thing I wish I could change the most. Kind of odd how something as depressing as that sounds can actually cause me to be upbeat. I'm odd I know.

Well time to go see if there's another sample for me to do so I can make this night go by faster and head home that much sooner.

Things done in anger.

Things done in anger are never good. I myself have recently committed such an act. As most of you who read this blog know, I posted a very angry and profane post that was obviously directed at my wife. I was angry, extremely hurt, and probably a little vengeful. Regardless of all of those emotions I was wrong to post like I did. No matter how much anger and hurt I felt I should not have drug my personal affairs out into the open for all to see. I was very surprised that "all" was quite a few more people than I thought.

To any and all I apologize for that post. It was wrong, and if any were offended in anyway I apologize for it. I will try to not let such a thing happen again, and if I do then please someone just smack me upside the head and tell me what a moron I can be.

Thanks Dad.

This post is for you Dad. I don't think I said thanks for the advice before we hung up and I should've. You, mom and Lydia have always been there for me when I needed you. You've been there for me in a way that's always been good for me. You tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. That has always helped me make, what I feel, is the right decision. I know that it might seem like I'm brushing off your advice or that I'm not really listening to you, but I am. I always take what you say to heart and think about it because I know that just like you said, you've "been there before."

I'm really looking forward to coming home and being with all of you. It'll be nice to be somewhere that I can actually be comfortable, that I can actually feel welcome, that I can actually call home. It'll be nice to be around people who actually want me to be there.

Thank you.

Moved, but not really.

Well we finally finished moving yesterday. It took four trips spread over the weekend with a truck and 5'x8' trailer attached to get all of the stuff out of the house, not including all the large heavy stuff that was moved Wednesday night. I found myself asking, likely what all movers ask themselves, "how did we end up with so much crap?" We were able to get it all stuffed into the apartment which is roughly 1000 sq. feet smaller than the house. Now comes the tedious tasks of unpacking, sorting, deciding what stays, what goes into storage and what simply goes. It's like basically living in a storage unit right now. I'm figuring it'll take a month to figure it all out.

I'm not really comfortable here, but I haven't really given it a chance yet. It's truly not that bad. I am only ten minutes from work. I don't know if I should get comfortable here though. I mean this is just temporary for me whether I stay in Tennessee or move out of state.

I don't really think I could get comfortable here even if I tried though. I found out inadvertently today that she resents me for being here and truly wants me out so she can have it all to herself. Can't say I blame her. It's not like I've been the best of room mates lately, but it hurts to know she feels that way. To know that she truly wants me to be away from her like that. I actually was beginning to have hope that we might end up staying together to. There were a few moments, when I'd come out of my grumpy loading mood, that we actually had fun while doing this. I realize now that I was only fooling myself. How easy it was to fall right back into that comfort zone.

Hopefully, I won't have to stay here to much longer. I hate being anywhere that I'm considered an inconvenience, a burden or just unwanted. I'll try to make the next couple of months easier for you.

Starting Over

I sit here in an empty shell. Today we signed the papers to close on the house. It's no longer mine. Most of the furniture is gone having been moved to the apartment, hence the empty shell. This is one more reminder of the fact that nearly all I have in my life is gone. I've lost my marriage, job, and home. The only thing I really have right now are my parents and my sister.

I have to start over. I have a job now but it's not really what I want to do, but I am looking. Marriage? I'm not sure if I really believe in marriage anymore. It just seems our culture has adopted the attitude that if you want out of something just quit. I'm not saying that I won't become involved with someone again but I'm not sure if I'll invest to the point of marriage. As for the home... eh that's really the smallest part of the loss. There's plenty of homes out there and I'll have one again someday.

Honestly, it's not really the house, or the job or even my failed marriage that bums me out the most. It's the fact that by having start over I have to wait that much longer to be able to start a family.

Vacation's over, can I have another PLEASE

Well I'm back home from Thanksgiving and it was a very nice vacation. I really wanted to get away from Memphis and all that's been going on here for awhile. It was nice to be home, to be with my parents and my sister who will always be there for me, especially when others haven't been. I really didn't want to leave home, especially considering what I have to come back to.

This week we will be moving. I have not, am not, and likely will not look forward to this move. I've been seriously debating whether I even will want to stay there for very long. I guess I'll have to considering our financial situation, but as soon as I have a good idea of how that's going and if plausible I will likely move out on my own. I simply just don't want to be around those who have caused me so much pain and seem to show no regret in doing so. How can one say they're sorry for what they've done when they don't show the emotion of remorse.

There are a couple of good things I have to look forward to this week. I am likely going to hang out with a friend this weekend and I am looking forward to that. It does help me to get through this week that I do have something to look forward to. I also am looking forward to the MU vs. Oklahoma Big 12 title game. GO MU!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so hard.

I lay here in the spare bedroom looking at this screen thinking what I should write about. I actually shouldn't be writing this because it's past my bed time and I have a lot of driving to do tomorrow in what could be sub-optimal weather. Yet, I can't really sleep because my mind is still thinking. Still thinking of what happened to us and why it is this way.

I'm not happy about it. Hell, I'm completely miserable and depressed about it. I don't want it to be this way but we can't agree on how things should be. You want to be best friends, but I ask you, can we? Can we be best friends when we've spent the last five years together supporting each other like couples do? No. The answer is no. I'm always going to see you as my wife. I love you terribly. More than anything else in the whole world, and it hurts so much to have to shut myself off from you because I feel the need to protect myself from the pain this is causing me. It's so fucking hard to do this though. I oscillate between being pissed to the point of just walking out and never coming back one minute to wanting to grab you, hold you close and tell you how much I love you the next.

Before I wrote this I walked into your room to get my good pillow to sleep on tonight. I looked at you and all I wanted to do was give you a kiss goodnight. I didn't though. I knew that if I did I'd just decide to sleep in the same bed so I could be close to you, and if I'm going to keep from getting hurt I knew I couldn't allow myself to do it. It was hard not to. I'm not going to see you for nearly five days, and I'm not even sure if I should be glad for the reprieve or sad that this is what we actually want to do.

Should we even be together anymore? I find myself asking that question a lot these days, and I find myself thinking "probably not." I've been seriously contemplating the idea of a divorce once we settle our debts. It's odd though. Even though that's what I'm thinking I still hope that in that time we'll work this out and that I can be with you always.

O-ren is trying to comfort me since I'm currently crying. I haven't been able to do that until now. I've wanted to. To let out some of the pain that's inside of me. Maybe I should've written this earlier, but if I had it probably would've been the bitter anger that's been at the surface instead of the hurt. I wonder what's going through your head as you read this? Will you say anything to me? Will you show some kind of emotion?

This is so hard. It's so hard to love you like I do yet pull away. Why is it so hard?

Never liked moving

I've never really liked moving. Some times have been more tolerable than others. The only two times that I've ever really tolerated moving was when I relocated to Memphis and when I moved into the house which I will soon be moving out of. This move coming up is, without a doubt, my least favorite move I'll have to do. I'm having to leave a house that I never really wanted to leave. Even though I know it's for the best because that way there won't be that huge financial burden I like this house, the neighborhood and my neighbors. I'm moving to an area that i don't really want to move to, but it was never up to me to decide where to move to. As the move gets closer I get more and more depressed thinking about it. I just want out of my situation.

To What End?

To What End? That's the question I find me asking myself lately. Either that or "what's the point?" I find myself bitter and angry most of the time yet I can't seem to stay that way for very long. Maybe I keep hoping it'll work out, but to what end? Some of this anger is not all your fault. Well it is, but the level of it is due to my keeping it inside for a long time and now there's no reason to hold it in anymore. Maybe it'll help you to know exactly how I feel. I'm not holding back anymore. I'll let you know exactly what's on my mind and what I'm feeling.

Is this the end? Maybe. That all depends on you. Until you figure out where you're going I'm not trying anymore because "what's the point?"

Decisions

Decisions are those things that we all face on a daily basis. Some decisions are easy while some are pretty hard. I have made several big decisions in the past few weeks that will have affect my life. One of those decisions occurred today. I have put in my two weeks notice at the job I started just three weeks ago for a new position that was offered to me. It was not really that easy of a decision to make even though the other job pays more and has better benefits. I will essentially be leaving the people I'm working for in a very tough position, but one has to do what best for oneself (most of the time).

I've decided that while this new job will pay more it's not what I want to do. I want to be an embryologist and thus will continue to pursue a career in that direction, even if it means relocating without my wife.

I've also decided that I'm not going to let certain things bother me. Not so much that they shouldn't, but I've just decided to be ambivalent toward them for the time being till other things are back on track.

I still have one large decision that I'm still muddling inside of my head. I tend to think about it daily and while I can't seem to make a definitive answer, mainly due to other factors that can/will affect my answer, I find myself leaning in a certain direction. Oddly, it's not the direction that I would have pictured myself leaning towards, but once again one has to do what best for oneself.

A New Beginning! Not the one I had hoped for.

Well I have a science job finally!!!. I know you're thinking I got the Embryologist job in Dallas and am in the process of moving there. Well you'd be dead wrong on that. I received a call Friday evening informing me that Dallas decided not to hire me. I found that extremely odd and down right depressing since I had had nothing but positive feed back from them. While I do not know why I was not offered the job I have my suspicions, which I am looking into.

So if I didn't get that job what did I get? Well I also had an interview for here in Memphis that same Friday. I apparently wowed them, especially with being able to start right away and was offered the job yesterday and started today. What is it? I am doing DNA microarrays. What is that you ask. Well the simple part of it is that we look for specific DNA sequences in humans, mice, rats, and various other animals for other outside investigators. It's a very small company and so isn't close to paying what I was used to but it's a science job and is better than cleaning windows. So for now I'm happy with it.

I still intend to look for an IVF job since that's what I really want to do but for now, considering what happened with Dallas, maybe I should just hold off for awhile and let things cool off.

The Waiting Game

Well I've had two promising interviews for Embryologist jobs in the past three weeks. One of which I found out today that I did not get. It's understandable. I've only been an Embryologist for two years so I don't know if I had the knowledge that I needed to be able to start up a lab from scratch. However, the other position is much more promising. Especially since I have someone on the inside. The interview went even better than the interview for the job that I didn't get. In fact I had two of the people whom I interviewed with say that they would "love to have me work in their lab." I don't know if one can have a better way for an interview to go than that. I even had my friend on the inside call me and say that she thinks I'll be offered the job.

Now comes the agonizing part, waiting. It's currently Wednesday and my friend said that the earliest I'm likely to hear anything will be tomorrow or Friday. I keep hoping that any minute my phone is going to ring and it'll be the HR people offering me a position. Oh how cruel it is to wait.

There is, however, a good side to the prolonged agony. While I am ready, very willing, and able to up and relocate to Dallas, I still feel a sense of loss at having to move. I've been in Memphis for two years now and it is home to me (even though my current financial status makes it very rough). Also the wife is here and will be staying here for an undetermined length of time after I leave. While we are not the couple we were a year ago, we still love each other and I will without a doubt miss her terribly. Also, I will be even further from my family back in my home state. While I am a very independent person and can be close to my family without being close physically, the state of my dad's health is a concern to me. While I know that my mom and sister will be fine while going through this hard time, I still feel a bit of regret for having moved away (and now possibly further away) and not being able to be there for the support that I want to give them.

I guess this is part of that growing up and getting old that everyone, when I was a teen, always talked about. Of having to make hard decisions and living with the consequences. It's still amusing how kids are in a hurry to grow up while adults wish they could go back to being kids. I kind of wish I could be a kid again too.

Difference of opinion

Well E and I went to the Cooper Young festival this weekend. It's a big collection of artists, vendors, and bands all vying for your attention so you'll buy their CD or art (if you can consider some of the stuff that) or junk that they have displayed. The weather was beautiful and there were a few interesting things to look at but overall I found that, like my father, I don't enjoy large bustling crowds of people. Not that I'm uncomfortable in them, its just that down here everyone expect you to get out of their way whether they have the right of way or not. Apparently, people here handle crowds just like they would drive. Still it was a good excuse to get out of the house and go do something.

We did have other plans as well after attending the festival, but our attention was diverted to the meth lab bust that was occurring across the street from E's coworker's apartment. So instead of going to E's bosses' party, which would have been a bust in all likelihood due to the large layoff that occurred the day before (luckily E was not one of those people), we pulled out the lawn chairs and watched the cops tote out barrel after barrel of the ingredients for the meth lab. Oh what fun.

Now I'm glad to see that the police are doing their job, but maybe I'm just old fashioned here thinking that E's coworker might be a little off base when saying that where she lives is the safest area in all of Memphis and also the best as well. Now you might say that I'm jumping the gun here with just one bust of that sort but lets put it in a greater context shall we. While we were watching the bust occur other bystanders came to ask what was going on. We, doing our civic duty, informed them, to which they would reply wonderful, which it was. However, a couple people who lived in the area as well responded with "another one?" "Why they just got one last week just down the street." So apparently this great area is rich with meth labs, which, if you know anything about meth labs, are prone to explosions and leaking wonderful neurotoxins into the air when they do. Also E's coworker also readily admits that there's hookers walking the street on a regular basis.

Hmm... Great neighborhood, well that's in the eye of the beholder. I won't argue that mid town has tons of culture and it's a good place to "hang out", but live? Sorry, but meth labs and hookers would not encourage me to relocate to that area when we sell this house.

Chyna, you will be missed

It is with a sad and heavy heard that I write this blog. Chyna, that lovable cat with the broken "mrow" was laid to rest today. My wife and I had noticed a couple of weeks back how much weight she had suddenly lost, yet she acted fine so we let it be. However, this morning Chyna took a very quick turn for the worse. She couldn't walk and showed no signs of wanting food or water. We, unfortunately, had to leave her for the day alone since both of us needed to go to work.

I made as quick of a day as possible for myself and came home around 3 p.m. to find Chyna in an even worse state than this morning. I quickly bundled her up and took her to the vet for what I knew would likely be the last time I would see and hold her. The vet was a kind lady and told me that there was nothing we could or could have done for her. Her kidneys were failing and to put her down would be the humane thing to do.

They brought Chyna to me one last time and I held and petted her to let her know that I love her and that I would miss her. Then after many sobs on my part I handed her back to the vet and let them put her to rest so that she would no longer suffer.

It amazes me how much I already miss hearing that broken "mrow." I have had many family cats go in my short life but I feel more remorse in Chyna's passing than for any of the others that I have lost. That is a true testament to how lovable and how great of a cat she was.

Squeaky Clean

Yes, it has indeed been a long time since I posted a new entry on this blog. Why the long delay in postings you ask? Well it's because I am no longer unemployed. "Yea!," you say. But lets not get ahead of ourselves here. Yes I am employed but in a job I neither want or like to do. So what is it? I'm cleaning windows. Yep that's right. I drive around the Memphis area all day cleaning windows of businesses. Not a glamor job but a job none the less. It'll pay the bills until I find a better job. Hopefully that will occur in the very near future and it'll be one in the science field.

I hope that won't be to long in the making. I have an interview on Monday in Johnson City, TN. at the fertility clinic there. With any luck they'll like me, I'll like them and I'll be moving there. And I won't have to clean windows any longer. Not having done physical labor on a consistent basis for the last four years has made me a little soft. I come home, on the days I pull a ten hour day, which is quite often, fatigued to the point of not doing anything once a get home. This has resulted in things like yard work and keeping the house clean falling behind. I'm getting caught up today however before I leave tomorrow for my interview.

So while this was a nice break from doing what needs to be done I need to get back to it.

Losing hope

Come Thursday I'll have been unemployed for two months now. Today probably was one of the bigger setbacks in my search for a new job. I was interviewed twice for a science job here in Memphis and I was informed today that I didn't get the job. It was my only true lead for here in Memphis for a science job. At this point I don't know what to do anymore. No one calls back when I ask for an interview. I can't even seem to get an interview for a simple labor job. My wife is getting nervous about the finances and she has every right to be. I don't know what else to do. I've gotten past my pride and have been applying for anything that I can possibly do, but I can't seem to find anything. I'm sick of looking and getting nowhere. All other opportunities are jobs that are out of state and are taking their time to fill the position or don't pay enough to justify relocating. Not to mention that even if I do relocate Erin may not come with.

I don't know what to do anymore and I'm loosing hope. Day by day it just seems bleaker.

The Past and The Future

Well it was a fun filled Friday for me. With my phone interview, dropping off papers at my old job (for the job that I had the phone interview for), and a preliminary interview with a recruiter for another possible job.

"So how did it go?"

Well to be honest the phone interview could've went better. I fumbled a few questions that was asked of me, mostly dealing with why I wasn't currently employed. It's possibly one of the worst interviews I've ever had. I think a lot of it had to do with the briskness of how the New Yorkers do things. About half way through the interview I realized that the interviewee liked short sweet answers. No long explanations needed. Once I realized that the interview went much better. All in all, I don't think they're still that interested in me anymore. To be honest I'm not really that concerned about it either. I really didn't like the idea of working in New York anyway.

Dropping off the paper for the New York job at my old job was... well it was hard. I honestly didn't want to do it. I kinda just want to leave what happened there in the past and not revisit it in anymore. What made it even harder once I got there was how friendly several of the people that I saw were to me. It seemed like several acted like they really missed having me around. Oh well. It's in the past. I did get the papers to the correct people though so I guess in a little while I'll hear from the New York people.

The good part of my day was the preliminary interview with the recruiter. It went exceptionally well. Will I get the job? Nope. After two hours of talking with the recruiter she decided that 1) this job was to much of a step down for me because I was over qualified and 2) I just wouldn't be happy there. I'm guessing that she knows what she's talking about in both respects. She gave me a lot of new leads to look up and l'm pretty sure that I made a good enough impression that she's going to try her best to find me a job ASAP. Hopefully something will eventually turn up. She really was what I needed that day. I had felt myself slipping in confidence and slowly sliding into a self depressive state for the last several days. She picked me back up and gave me the confidence to believe that someone will hire me eventually. She even helped me craft a good answer to why I was let go from my previous job so that I wouldn't have such a hard time like I did that morning.

I just hope that I don't have to wait much longer to find a job. I'm getting pretty stir crazy here.

Waiting

Waiting, or the more correct term, patience, is something that at my best I'm excellent at. I can easily sit and idle while I wait for something to occur. At my worst it's something I despise doing. I'm constantly pacing and looking at my watch counting each second that goes by as an eternity that I could've used doing something better.

I am currently somewhere in between my two extremes when it comes to my patience. I have been unemployed now for six weeks to the day today. While some leads have come and gone and there are others that are still very strong, I yearn to have a job. I, desperately, want to be doing something else with my time other than looking for employment, chasing down leads, and keeping the house clean on a daily basis so that we can sell it. How much longer will I have to wait?

Currently, I'm waiting on five prospective jobs:

The first job is here in Memphis doing toxicology extractions. I had a call back interview yesterday and it went very well. However, I still may end up having to wait two more weeks before they let me know anything. This will bring the wait on this job to a month long period. If both of the people who I interviewed with said that they really like me then why not just hire me already? I kinda do and don't want this job. If I get this job, it's a pay cut, but the work is easy and it's a very laid back atmosphere. Also the schedule I'll be on allows me to continue looking for a better paying job if I want to.

The second job is also here in Memphis. I know that the company is very interested in me. At least according to the recruiters they are. However, there has been some misinformation on their part so who really knows if they are considering me for a job. However, according to them the wait is due to the fact that the hiring personnel have all been in and out on vacation. I've been waiting to hear something about this job for three weeks now. This is the company that I hope will end up hiring me since it is a real possibility that I will truly enjoy the work I'd be doing and it likely won't be much of a pay cut if any. If only they'd call me for an interview.

The third possibility is a job that I have a preliminary interview with a recruiter tomorrow. This job is a chemist position with a large agra company. While the work and the shift hours are not all that desirable they are apparently looking for promotable people. My question is what kind of promotion time line will I be facing? Including the fact that it's a job that I likely won't really care to do that much, the pay cut makes it one of my least favorite jobs to look at right now. If they promote fairly quickly then I'm all for the job since I'll likely go up in the pay scale quickly enough to not care what I'm doing. However, if it's more like I'll have to work there for two years at the paltry salary they offer before I'll even be considered for promotion I'm not sure it's worth it. Maybe, I need to think in a more patient manner for this possible job?

The forth possibility requires relocation. It's another embryology job in east Tennessee. Basically it's clear across the state. The person in charge of screening applicants has been out of the office and on vacation these last few weeks so it's been three weeks before I've really heard anything back from him about this job. I am a top candidate for the job apparently so hopefully in the up coming weeks I'll be hearing from him. While I don't like the idea of relocating again, since it'll mean being away from my wife and only seeing her once a month in all likeliness, I still like the prospect of continuing to be an embryologist. Hopefully the pay's good.

The fifth job prospect is one that I have mixed feelings about. It is, in all honesty, a great job opportunity. It is in reproductive medicine. I would be a Andrology lab supervisor. The salary is very good, well considering the area it may not be that good. The area is the part that I'm not too keen on. It's in New York. Manhattan to be precise. Now if I was queasy about being so far away from my wife in east Tennessee, I definitely don't like the prospect of being so far away I'd only see her when I take vacation and on major holidays. However, like I said, this career opportunity is one that may not be a good thing to turn down. I have a phone interview with them tomorrow and will likely fly out to meet and greet them shortly after it. This job will likely be a hard decision in the making. Also this decision will likely come before any of the previously mentioned job prospects produce anything.

I actually forgot a sixth prospective job as well. This job is on the opposite side of the nation in Los Angeles, CA.. The company was very interested in me nearly as soon as I put my resume on an IVF website, however, they have hired a director that they want to be involved in the hiring process. My old work buddy, the person who was supposed to replace me at my old job, is the director they hired. Small world the IVF world is. Now while it would be a blast to work with my old co-worker again, and while I think he'd make an awesome boss, probably the best boss I'd ever have, I still have the same reservations about being so far away from my wife.

All in all, I have really been hoping that something would turn up here in Memphis before I'd have to really look at relocating seriously. Unfortunately, it just hasn't happened. Should I be more patient with the companies in this area? It's hard to be when you have bills to pay and you're watching your bank account wilt and shrivel like a un-watered plant in 100 degree heat to be patient for a job. Patience is a virtue they say but I think I'm beginning to reach the end of mine.

Pride

Pride. It's one of those things that isn't bad to have but to much can easily bring you down. Take me for example. I was probably to proud of myself for being able to do what I was doing in such a short amount of time in my last job. This led to an increase of my ego and in all likeliness my downfall.

I wonder if my pride is getting in the way again. I had a long talk with my significant other last night about our financial situation. We talked about me finding a job. Not just a scientific job but any job. I tried to explain that not just any job would be good. I didn't do a very good job of it and lost the argument. Likely, I lost because I let my pride get in the way. I was thinking why should I take some crap job at Mc Donalds, or Starbucks, when I have a college degree. Should I have to work for less than half of what I was making? This is why I lost the argument. My pride was blinding me. I am not so high and mighty that I can't work at these places. The money would be of help even though it wouldn't be enough.

No I could easily enough work at these places, and while my pride may take a blow, I'd recover. I wouldn't be stuck there the rest of my life. Only a short time of it. But, would I be happy there, or would I sink further into the abyss that seems so close to consuming me at times. Maybe that's how I should've went at my case. Sure, I could work at the places that were mentioned in our conversation, but I wouldn't be happy? Probably not. Would it be worth it financially? I don't know, but I do know that I'd be so miserable in doing such things that I would truly be unhappy and I don't think that's worth it. Especially if I feel like I'm being left no other options.

Anticipation

Anticipation is one of those things that many people usually like, but it can sometimes end up being a real bummer. Most people when they anticipate something it is because they know that what they are waiting for is a sure thing, and just the excitement of waiting for that sure thing to come along can be quite enjoyable. Kind of like when you were a kid and were anticipating waking up in the morning to find your presents wrapped under the tree just waiting for you to tear into them. The flip side of anticipation is when you expect the outcome to be what you want and it ends up being the opposite. Instead of joy you end up feeling disappointment.

I am experiencing plenty of anticipation but in a form that's neither of the ones that I just mentioned. I have had two interviews, both of which went well, and I'm anticipating a call from both respective employer. I'm not sure if I'll get either job. Truthfully I'm not worried if I get the jobs or not. Neither of them are really what I want to do and they're pay decreases from my last salary. Still, it would be nice to know that I still have some killer interview skills and that people want to hire me. What I really anticipate is the possible job I have at a pharma company. I talked to the recruiter today and found that while I was submitted for a job that I didn't really qualify for they liked my resume and apparently are trying to make a job for me in the salary range I want. The process, however, has been drawn out due to the fact that key players have been on and off vacation due to the school year closing in. The anticipation that I feel is wondering how it'll all end up. I'm prepared for both the good and/or the bad. I just want to know. Where's a decent crystal ball when you need one.

Knowing what I know now also leaves me in the situation of trying to decide what would be my best course of action with the other two prospective jobs. Do I take one if one's offered only to turn around and quit when offered a better job that I knew might be coming down the pike? It seems kind of back handed and mean to those who are seriously considering me, but then lots of other people do it to. Maybe the phrase "you do what you have to do" fits well in this situation. Again, if I just knew how it was all going to play out then I would know exactly what to do. There would be no anticipation. Instead I have to play it by ear and make my best judgement call.

Why can't I go back to being able to anticipate waking up and opening presents again?

A new beginning

Yes I know that the title of this post likely reminds you of Star Wars IV, but if you remember that was actually titled a "A New Hope."

As anyone who actually finds this blog, now that I've changed the name, you'll notice that I've changed pretty much everything. The layout, the address, none of my old posts are on here, new picture and so on.

The reasons for this are many. Some of it has to do with that I was let go by my last employer, and it could very well be that some of the things posted on my old blog were part of the reasons that I was let go. Why I was let go is still a mystery to me, but I did learn some valuable life lessons from it all. Hopefully those lessons will allow me to prevent what happened at my last job from ever happening again.

Since that time I have been job searching like mad. I've been unemployed a month now, although it doesn't feel that long. Hopefully, if the next few interviews that I have lined up go well I won't be unemployed much longer. And, with a little bit of luck I won't have to take a pay cut for my future job.

There's so much stuff going on in my life now that it's hard to blog it all in the birth post of this new blog. It's likely that due to the personal nature of some of the things that are going on that I'll likely never blog about them on here, or I'll blog about them in some obscure way that only the person(s) they're directed at will understand them. More than likely they'll make they're way into my personal journal which none of you ever get to read.

As a final word just keep looking for random posts on here for I'll post every once in awhile and I'll hopefully make them interesting and worth reading.